Why did I fall into this pit of despair?
What went wrong that I’m depressed now? Years of full-time church work, participation in numerous ministries, extensive travel with the church team, and overseas ministry have kept me busy. Everything appeared productive and hectic. But then things started to shift.
My eyesight was impaired. Indeed, I had been disoriented. There is no longer a feeling of meaning or direction in life. My hopes and aspirations no longer existed. And old age is beginning to set in. There is no more of a tomorrow. I was utterly sad. The point of living has been lost.
What a rapid lapse of time! Is this how I’m going to end up dead? What if I were to die and nobody would notice? What if I had no impact on the world? No extraordinary legacy? After a long day of doing nothing, you feel like a complete and utter failure.
I can’t explain my existence or why I was sent into this world. I don’t understand why God made me. I have no idea where I am going or what the future holds for me. “Tomorrow” was exactly like any other day. Absolutely nothing about it excites me. Tiredness overtook me. I wanted to sleep all day and felt no motivation to get out of bed.
Every day, I felt like weeping. Nothing made me joyful anymore, and I was melancholy virtually all the time. My mind wandered to sad places when I was alone, and I often wept myself to sleep.
Many things I did, I now deeply regret. I was frustrated and confused about why no one was paying attention to what I was saying. To what extent were they unable to hear me? Because I was such a burden on those around me, I was plagued by feelings of guilt.
When I started to look inward, I only ended up more perplexed. Questioning my identity. Do I qualify as a downer? How optimistic am I? How phlegmatic am I? Some people think I have a gloomy personality, while others claim I have a sane or phlegmatic one. I kept looking by reading more books on psychology, memoir, birth order, and related topics.
Because of my confusion, I was neither of those things. Then who am I? What’s my stance? Questioning my identity. Why are you making things so hard for me? Why are you so difficult to understand? You’re only making life more challenging for yourself.
I’m not just perplexed; I’m also annoyed and enraged. I struggle so much with verbalization that I can’t even begin to describe the depth of my emotions. I have no idea what’s going on. Therefore, there’s no way for me to tell. Sadness is real; I know it. Why? What gives? What is it that causes me such sorrow? The pity! What exactly is it that makes you so sad? I don’t know how to tell you. However, it persists at all times.
When I’m by myself, I like to stare at nothing. I can see through any object or person as if they did not exist. When I need to, I can stare into space.
Both my hunger and my desire to eat vanished. No longer is food a source of pleasure. I eat only to eat, shoveling food down my neck despite becoming full quickly.
I started spending time alone since I couldn’t handle being around many people. At home, I just shut the lights off, lock the door, and imagine it’s early morning. The majority of my free time is spent on my own.
I noticed that I was losing sleep and going nights without napping. I get into bed and immediately start thinking and crying. How dare I keep breathing! Suicide and death are constantly on my mind.
I don’t understand how I got to be depressed [http://www.faithfoo.com/depression]. Like clockwork, I gradually fell into a deep despair that lasted for quite some time.
Praise God, for He has provided a way for me. My dear friend from the United States is returning soon, and I was wondering if I might catch up with him and maybe get his advice. Before his return to Malaysia, we were able to have everything sorted out and connect via email.
I’m grateful to have a close buddy who cares enough about me to give up his time to talk and offer advice. His education and experience allowed me to challenge my assumptions and form new ways of thinking. I have faith that God has this whole thing planned out before me.
He awoke in me an awareness of my own identity. Through his guidance, I learned to replace “or” with “and” in my thinking. I am capable of both stoicism and melancholy. Faith is her san self around the people she trusts and likes. Faith might be a bit of a downer when she’s around certain people or environments. When I’m by myself, I feel sad again. The “and” mindset will set us free from having to conform to any one particular sort of person.
And I no longer need his sage guidance in a few other areas. Changes in my life and emotions are finally making sense to me. I am an alien and am perfectly aware that I am a resident of Earth. Many people have been through the same experiences and hardships as I have.
God had begun His work long before I met my current best pal. He dispatched individuals to get me to enroll in vocal training. She didn’t just cheer me on; she also sponsored me financially and helped me find the proper teacher. Thank God for sending me to the appropriate teacher and my sister, who made the first practical step.
Singing lessons have helped me rediscover the joy in life. Now I know what I want to accomplish and my ultimate objective. I must follow through on this. My instructor is supportive, and in just a month, he has begun to show me the possibilities for my singing career and the steps I need to take to achieve my goals. He outlined the paths I may take to reach my goals.
I rediscover the joy in life. Where to find me? What needs to be done, I already know. Please explain how I can accomplish this in as much detail as possible. I have the potential to achieve a specific goal. Before I pass away, I can make a lasting impact!
One and a half years ago, I knew nothing about singing. Now, I hold a Grade 8 certificate.
The act of singing brings me great pleasure and has become a well of vitality that I can draw on.
I rediscovered my identity and the meaning of my life. I have been resurrected!!!
Faith Foo Siew Yuen, who has a distinct style and a deep love for writing and storytelling, is the author of all these pieces. She is particularly fond of allegory. You can find highlights of a few of them in Ezine Articles. The front page of her website is Believe Foo.